Thursday, January 23, 2014

Obama Talks Income Inequality

"Hello everyone. It's me, your leader, elected twice by the smart half of country, Barack Hussein Obama. All of you in flyover country might want to skip this speech. I hear that Duck show is on, it's probably more to your taste anyway.

"In the next few months I am going to be pounding away at a topic that is very important to 99% of Americans. Income inequality. Because Republicans are demons from hell, they don't care about the poor. I've heard they use poor people as firewood to heat their massive, massive homes, while they write massive checks to Halliburton and the Kochs. That's their economic platform, I swear! Prove me wrong, people!

"Anyway, the rich are getting richer and the poor get poorer. The people on the right - that's any of the racists who disagree with me, by the way, just to help you identify who these ignorant rubes are - will try to tell that is how capitalism works. They'll tell you that when you work hard, you get wealthier, and that if you sit back and let the government take care of you you will get poorer. I say hogwash.

"Take for example the Affordable Care Act. Before the affordable care act, there were millions of people uninsured because they could not afford insurance. Now everyone HAS to have insurance. Sure, many of you can't afford it still, but you HAVE it, and that makes you richer. You're felling better already, I can tell. Critics will point out that more people have LOST their insurance than have gained it. This may be true, but those people already had it. They were rich. Now they're less rich. See how much better off you are by comparison? You're welcome.

"You can expect to hear many more awesome examples of how I am helping poor people as we get closer to the midterm elections. Remember - we democrats want to make you wealthy by giving you services you don't want at prices you can't afford. Republicans want you to work for what you get and make your own decisions about what products to buy, how to spend your money and what is best for you and your family. I don't know about you, but to me that sounds like it takes a whole lot of effort, and that's probably the last thing you want to do with your time. AMIRIGHT?!

"Now if you'll excuse me, I need to get to MO's 50th birthday party. She's just back from a typical poor man's $4,000,000 vacation and if I don't get over there, there will be hell to pay. I have to greet Jay Z, Beyonce, Stevie Wonder, Smokey Robinson, Samuel L Jackson, Jennifer Hudson, Mary J Blige, Angela Bassett, Gayle King, Ashley Judd, Billie Jean King (hooray for gays, right?), Rachel Ray, SIR Paul McCartney, John Legend, James Taylor, Magic Johnson, Alonzo Mourning, Emmitt Smith, a bunch of billionaire corporate CEOs and some guy who costs $100,000 per night to spin records. DJ Cassidy, I think. You know it goes down in the hood, right? I feel ya!

"So until next time, you all keep signing up for the benefits I, your kind benefactor, magnanimously authorize to be released to you. I may look like I'm hanging with the rich folk, but trust me, I've got your back. Now, where did I put that knife....?"